God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Great game to play with friends
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no