When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
incredible
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.