H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
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Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Just a bush.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.