If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.