If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
You Might Also Like
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die