Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
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How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
hi why am I like this
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Teach your children to beatbox
It was worth a shot 😂
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh