*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”