I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
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Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
girls literally only want one thing..
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.