Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
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Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.