If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
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[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Check out the legs on this baby
house sitting!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Tastes like chicken.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son