I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse