because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
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Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly