Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
You Might Also Like
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
honestly, i need both:
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.