Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good