There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..