The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.