[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Brother?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.