People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“TGIM!” – My liver
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”