Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!