Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Botany good plants lately?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening