I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
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I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?