Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms