[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.