[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”