50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.