SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
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wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.