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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.