When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys