THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century