Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Reporter: *ports again*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?