“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
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Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
That de-escalated quickly
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?