Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
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Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.