Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me recordaron éste meme
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god