me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
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“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”