Schrödinger’s cookie
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?