“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.