I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point