Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
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Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
The two types of wives
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.