My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
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I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.