If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
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I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.