Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist