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If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”