[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
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Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
A wise man once said nothing.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?