DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Awesome parenting 😂
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
this makes me so uncomfortable
what my late-night hot pocket sees
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My dad.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?