My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
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Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My blood type is b hungry.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?