Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I鈥檓 still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that鈥檚 enough of that I think
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
These are too funny not to post 馃槀
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My teen can鈥檛 seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates