Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
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me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
There’s no “us” in nachos.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
i want to work in this restaurant