My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
You Might Also Like
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else