[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
You Might Also Like
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
The photographer’s assistant
I falcon love using swear birds
My blood type is b hungry.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.