me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.